CHANGING UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR

The Question is: How can parents change unacceptable behavior without using rewards and punishments?

I was asked the other day to help a child whose behavior was “unacceptable” by the adult without handing out stickers or smiley faces, or by yielding to punishment. It was asked by a person who, I believe, sincerely wants to see this child succeed in life but who doesn’t want to be part of a system that, thus far, had not changed the behavior. So what could I give this parent who so badly wanted to change the direction she saw this child headed down?

Fair warning: it takes time.

1. Tell the child, “This is the way we _____ in our home/classroom.” MODEL IT.
2. Ask, “What did you NOTICE?” Point out anything you want to emphasize.

3. Invite child to PRACTICE it.
4. Explain the CONSEQUENCES for doing it. (I will elaborate on this point in a moment.)
5. Ask for or offer WHAT IF’s.
6. Help child SUMMARIZE-expected behavior.
7. FOLLOW THROUGH with plan with little emotion.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REWARD/PUNISHMENT

These two ideas usually begin with, “If you…” or “If you don’t…”. This may be subtle, but I prefer to use this alternative language: “When we…...” There is no “If we don’t.” By using the pronoun “we” you join the child in the goal.

EXAMPLE:
1. This is the way we grocery shop: we get a cart and you ask me every time you want to put something in it; if I say ‘yes,’ then you can. Otherwise, you need to put it back. MODEL by placing several food cartons on the counter and have child pick one up and ask permission to put it in the cart; one time you say yes, the next time you say no.
2. Ask child what they noticed. Point out you “cooperated” with each other, thus naming the character trait you are trying to instill in your child.
3. Repeat role-play.
4. Tell child, “When we are finished grocery shopping, you can help me choose what type of cookie to buy/flavor of ice cream/fruit to buy. "
5. “What if you put things in the cart without asking my permission? ----? I will give you 2 warnings. On the third time, we’ll have to come home without our groceries.”
6. Now let’s see if you remember-What do I want you to do at the grocery store? When you ask permission, what is that called? And when we are done, what will you help me do?”

The hardest part is following through with your plan. When all goes well, it’s easy, but when it doesn’t, you have to calmly tell the child why you are leaving the store/play group/library, etc. with as little emotion as possible so the child does not feel he/she has power over the situation. Also, there has to be an understanding with your spouse that the plan may mean you have to leave early/don’t get things done.

Granted, this plan lacks the immediacy of a spanking to produce the desired behavior. But it achieves more: it produces a child whose self-respect remains intact and whose inner self is valued by the two most important people in his/her life: one’s parents.

REWARDING EXPECTED BEHAVIOR

Last Friday when I handed out progress reports, the Ks cheered! My forehead furrowed up questioning this response until, that is, I heard their comments amidst the cheers: "My dad is giving me $100 if I have a good report card! I'm getting $50! I'm getting a fish! I'm getting ..." My response was immediate. "You've got to be kidding me! Why can't you say, 'No thank you, Mom, Dad, I did it just because it was the right thing to do!'" Their pause in excitement was only momentary, and out the door they flew looking forward to whatever motivation was being leveraged to produce the desired result.

From the very first meeting with parents at Orientation, I asked, "What do you want for your children?" And "What do you want to be the reason for this?" Let's say you thought, 'I want my child to succeed in school' and the answer to be 'Because they will have a good life.' I should have added, "What do you want to be the motivation for this?" I see now that some of the answers were, "Money" and "Food" and "Prizes." That's what was revealed last Friday to me.

It goes against what we are trying to do here at Lakeview. It goes against why you selected our school as a place to help raise your child and I would be chagrin in my duties if I did not call you on it.

As Children's House teachers, we observe what materials your child is drawn to naturally; in other words, which materials they are drawn to from within, not through a reward system. It is through this inner motivation that the child is driven to "make himself into an adult," using Montessori's words. We do not entice them with rewards but feed their inner spirit when they show interest in something. We did not give the boy who voraciously read 4 books on Monday with money or pets or food or prize; we celebrated with a smile and "Alleluia!" his success at learning to read. Nor did we motivate with reward the child who spent half an hour trying her best to tie bows on the Tying Frame, only to sit in tears because she couldn't do it; instead, I talked to her about the 6 times I dropped my motorcycle learning to ride it and the frustraton I felt last night trying to figure out how to get my new sewing machine to work; I said I was going to take a break and go back to it again; and I reminded her of all the wonderful things we learn from our mistakes--no where did she hear me motivate her with money or food, nor did I do it for her.

It is indeed a harder road to travel when you put the child's inner motivation first; otherwise, we could just decide what everyone was going to learn - or re-learn- at the same time and be in control of their choices. But we have to trust that the child's true nature will be revealed to us through his/her choices within the classroom, and to continue to offer activities to those still finding their way. That's why we spend time demonstrating, presenting materials, and observing their choices. There are no external rewards because that becomes a hindrance to the child building himself up to an adult. The idea of reward is an adult idea, and it needs serious rethinking on why you have your child in a program that makes conscious efforts to promote self-motivation.

DECIPHERING THE PROGRESS REPORT

This year we initiated the use of a rubric for parents to use to help them understand what the letter meant in each box. I am wondering what parents thought of it--was it easy/hard and helpful/not helpful?

As I filled in the boxes, I found myself becoming frustrated for a number of reasons I will elaborate on:

First, the choices limited me. For many of the boxes I wanted to put "Introduced," because we have introduced the material/activity, but the child just hasn't shown any interest towards it yet. However, it appears we have not covered the material because I put "NI" (not introduced) instead of "B" for Not Yet, so parents wouldn't think they were trying to get it but just couldn't.

Second, I wish we had put "M" for any "Yes" in the rubric; that way, you would (and I would) know the child had mastered the essential skill. Now I have to look back at the rubric for each item to find out if they know the essential skill. In a lot of cases, that's a P, and that's misleading to me.

Third, it's easy to put an I for introduced, D for developing, and an M for mastery; with this rubric I have to be so specific that I spent days on filling it in rather than hours. I had to look back so much that I started thinking parents would have to, too, and decided to share my thoughts about it via the blog.

My biggest problem, though, is the emphasis on the academic skills and the fear that parents will a) also focus on this with their child and b) compare their child to others. Your child is a WORK IN PROGRESS, and life is the journey. He or she will get there when he/she is ready. To me, the most important thing to develop as a Preschooler is operating in a room that allows for freedom within limits and developing social ettiquette with each other. As a Kindergartner, I feel I have helped your chld if he/she learns to read IF they are interested in learning, and I am hopeful they will all be able to do 4-place simple addition with the Golden Beads. Everything else is icing on the cake!

I know from listening to E1 teachers that their rooms are full of materials that require reading, so that is why I hope everyone will be interested in reading. At home, you can instill a desire to read by 1) modeling it! 2) listening to each other read and 3) taking time each day to have your child read his/her book to you and signing and sending it back so we can replace it with another. Suzanne and I never send home a book until they have read it to us, which gives them practice with the words before they read it to you. We start with the pattern books, then the Bob Book series, then the Mac and Tab series, with a phonogram series put in there when the time is right to move them beyond simple phonetic words.

During the summer, the best thing you can do for your child is to KEEP THEM READING! We send home books and workbooks so they retain all they have gained over the year.


I would love to hear your response to the use of the rubric so we can make changes either this year or, at least, for next year.