CHANGING UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR

The Question is: How can parents change unacceptable behavior without using rewards and punishments?

I was asked the other day to help a child whose behavior was “unacceptable” by the adult without handing out stickers or smiley faces, or by yielding to punishment. It was asked by a person who, I believe, sincerely wants to see this child succeed in life but who doesn’t want to be part of a system that, thus far, had not changed the behavior. So what could I give this parent who so badly wanted to change the direction she saw this child headed down?

Fair warning: it takes time.

1. Tell the child, “This is the way we _____ in our home/classroom.” MODEL IT.
2. Ask, “What did you NOTICE?” Point out anything you want to emphasize.

3. Invite child to PRACTICE it.
4. Explain the CONSEQUENCES for doing it. (I will elaborate on this point in a moment.)
5. Ask for or offer WHAT IF’s.
6. Help child SUMMARIZE-expected behavior.
7. FOLLOW THROUGH with plan with little emotion.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REWARD/PUNISHMENT

These two ideas usually begin with, “If you…” or “If you don’t…”. This may be subtle, but I prefer to use this alternative language: “When we…...” There is no “If we don’t.” By using the pronoun “we” you join the child in the goal.

EXAMPLE:
1. This is the way we grocery shop: we get a cart and you ask me every time you want to put something in it; if I say ‘yes,’ then you can. Otherwise, you need to put it back. MODEL by placing several food cartons on the counter and have child pick one up and ask permission to put it in the cart; one time you say yes, the next time you say no.
2. Ask child what they noticed. Point out you “cooperated” with each other, thus naming the character trait you are trying to instill in your child.
3. Repeat role-play.
4. Tell child, “When we are finished grocery shopping, you can help me choose what type of cookie to buy/flavor of ice cream/fruit to buy. "
5. “What if you put things in the cart without asking my permission? ----? I will give you 2 warnings. On the third time, we’ll have to come home without our groceries.”
6. Now let’s see if you remember-What do I want you to do at the grocery store? When you ask permission, what is that called? And when we are done, what will you help me do?”

The hardest part is following through with your plan. When all goes well, it’s easy, but when it doesn’t, you have to calmly tell the child why you are leaving the store/play group/library, etc. with as little emotion as possible so the child does not feel he/she has power over the situation. Also, there has to be an understanding with your spouse that the plan may mean you have to leave early/don’t get things done.

Granted, this plan lacks the immediacy of a spanking to produce the desired behavior. But it achieves more: it produces a child whose self-respect remains intact and whose inner self is valued by the two most important people in his/her life: one’s parents.