SCREAMING AND CRYING TO GET THEIR WAY: IS THERE AN ALTERNATIVE?

Before I begin, I want you to know my background in this area. Most importantly, I’m a parent, but I am only a parent of one; cancer would limit me to this number. However, I have had the luxury of seeing my prayers answered to see my little boy grow up, marry a wonderful girl, and raise 3 children of their own. They sometimes will ask me for parenting advice, to which I think, “Hey, they value my ideas about child-raising, “ so perhaps you will glean some benefit from my ideas, too. Secondly, my Masters is in Holistic Parenting, awarded to me after completing many parenting courses and giving workshops to Montessori parents around the state of Maine and writing a book about the subject. (Unfortunately, I never published it because I was too busy starting my own Montessori school).

So now you know my background. The last thing before I begin is to explain how I will be delivering these thoughts about parenting. Basically, I watch and listen and sometimes read about child-oriented situations, at the store, at home, and on the road to and from places. The observations I make initiate a subject to focus on to help you with parenting. If you want me to help with a specific topic, please let me know and I will address it in a future article. I post my articles both on my blog at www.nancysclass.blogspot.com and also as a monthly newsletter, in response to the parent survey you filled out at Orientation.

Today’s focus came from an overwhelming response on the Hopes and Dreams section asking how your child copes with frustration. Answers varied from “yelling, crying, anger, sulking, giving up, throwing things, screaming, hitting, stomping, throwing a tantrum, running away, pulling one’s hair, etc.”

On the positive side, you can see you are not alone.

Kids are kids, but they are overwhelmingly human! They do what works in order to get what they want, like all of us. Many of you mention that they deal with frustration differently at school—that’s because we have something you don’t-peer pressure, not to be confused with sibling pressure, which doesn’t have much influence. But, with no classmates in your home, I want to address how you can help your child deal with frustration in an appropriate way.
We are talking this coming week about listening to your body so you know when you are getting angry and frustrated, and offering different methods to replace those feelings with a sense of control over your body and getting it into a sense of calmness. They all begin with breathing, and the children are practicing this at school, using a small pinwheel held in front of them to blow as they release their breath from their mouth. I am sending the pinwheel home, in hopes they will use it. We are also practicing the different methods. I would like to summarize the methods below, in hopes your child will be encouraged at home to use the one/s he/she prefers when they find themselves “heating up.” Remember: the above mentioned ways our children are acting out frustration are not acceptable. They need an alternative. They will probably prefer one of the ways below.

1. HEART BREATHING: Think of something you are grateful for: a pet, a person, a place, etc. Place your hands on the center of your chest and think of that special ___ that makes you smile. Take 5 slow breaths, breathing the grateful energy into the area beneath your hands. Repeat.
2. HEAD HOLD: Sit straight, breathing gently and deeply. Place the palm of one hand on your forehead, the other on the back of your head. Press lightly, feeling the warmth under your palms as you breathe slowly. Do for 1 minute.
3. 5-SECOND PAUSE: Count to 5 slowly in a foreign language; then repeat, only this time name 5 pet names you’ve had or kinds; repeat and name 5 of your classmates slowly, and finally, 5 breaths and 5 cartoon figures you like.
4. SHAKE IT OFF: Stand with legs apart and hands at side. Shake both your hands, with your elbows bent. At the same time, let your breath out in short puffs.

The next thing I’m going to share is what teachers call a social contract with a child. We talk to a child when we are both calm and alone. We start by saying, “I notice that when you get frustrated, you ______. Do you notice this, too?” This is called awareness. Then we ask which method they have been learning at school is their favorite, and to show it to us. This ensures they know what the appropriate action looks and feels like. We ask how they feel as a result of this action. Finally, we ask him/her what phrase or motion we can say/do to help them remember what to do instead of what they have been doing in the past. The social contract is part of the Responsive Classroom classes our Sparta School District pays for all interested teachers to attend (your hard earned tax dollars making a difference in the lives of your children).

Have a social conversation with your child like the one above when he/she is calm.
Lastly, you have asked for help in bringing Montessori principles into the home. You have to model it if you want it to carry over into a lifelong habit. Frankly, you have to use it yourself, in front of your child, so they see the value of it.

Let me know how it goes.