MOTIVATING THE MOTIVATED-YES, THE MOTIVATED

Everyone is motivated, but not everyone is motivated to do what you want them to do. For example, if you have dishes to do, simply asking your husband to do them may not bring the desired result. Why? Because he is motivated to avoid doing them. However, if he knows his mother is coming to visit, the motivation changes and he suddenly appears in front of the sink!
Same for children. You may want your little one to read, eat healthy foods, or stay in bed longer, etc., but find he/she is motivated not to. If you really want your child to do these things, you need to guide your child to choose that behavior. It reminds me of the anecdote about the child who is carrying a heavy backpack. The parent chooses to walk beside the child, not lessening the load but keeping him company, urging him on like a cheerleader, and, in general, being a comfort for the child to help him complete the task.

Similarly, here’s some ways that you can try, in a more-or-less progression from a basic discussion to a real plan, emphasizing walking beside the child, not doing it for him or forcing him or punishing him or cajoling him. I use the example of motivating your child to read more.

1. GIVE YOUR CHILD CONFIDENCE AND POWER: “There are many ways of reading/eating/sleeping; which reader are you? Remember, you can be more than one type.” 1) You read by looking at the pictures 2) You hear the first sounds of words 3) you hear the first AND the last sound of words 4) You even hear some sounds in the middle 5) You’re reading words you can sound out 6) You even know lots of sight words 7) You read entire sentences 8)You can read hard-to-sound-out words 9) Others as you see fit. POINT: Your child sees he/she is already a reader of sorts; each type of reading type, however, requires practice, and ‘PRACTICE MAKES PROGRESS.’
2. HELP YOUR CHILD WITHOUT DOING IT ALL FOR HIM/HER: “I’ll read this word/line/sentence/page and you read the next. That way the reading will go quickly and before you know it, you will have finished your job and you’ll still have time for ____.”
3. DURING FRUSTRATING MOMENTS: “You know what I say when I get frustrated? I say, ‘I don’t want to do this, and I’m going to do it anyway. I feel good about myself when I finish work I’ve started.” Suggest a point to read to before taking a 5-minute break.
4. MAKING A PLAN-TOGETHER: “I’d like to be your writer today. You tell me what you’re going to do first/second/etc. tonight and I’ll write it down. Then when you finish it, I have this beautiful gold/silver ink you can use to cross it off with. When you finish your plan, let’s celebrate! We’ll ______ together. I brought this paper to help us get started.” (Do NOT ask if—assume he/she wants to and help in organizing it.)

The main point to remember is that the child wants-and deserves-power over him/her self. By digging their heels in/not answering you when you ask a question, arguing with you, etc. they are asserting power the only way that works for them. Parents must find ways to be their guide and treat them as unique individuals. I have found that simply spending time with a child and listening to them makes them much more cooperative. I also give the challenging child more-not less-responsibility to teach/help others and take special notice of when they are exhibiting the desired behavior and tell the child I noticed them being ______, using a specific word that describes the behavior, not a generic one like “good” or “nice.” Examples might include “helpful,” “thoughtful,” “ kind,” or “cooperative.”
I hope these ideas will help you guide your child in whatever motivating problem you encounter along the parenting journey. I'd love to hear your stories!